Join me as Phil talks with us about his current big change going on – he’s going to be a dad!
Transcription
Stacie Crawford
Hi, and welcome back to the changes in our lives podcast. And we have got something new this week a little bit different than what we used to do. And I’m really excited about it. Today I am joined by my friend Phil Applebaum, who has gotten himself into a new journey. And he’s got a transition about to occur very, very shortly. And so we’re going to spend this episode talking about what he’s expecting what’s going on with him. And you know, what his ideas are about this new transition he is about to face. And then we’re gonna come back and a couple of weeks and see what really happened and where he is and what his thoughts are that So Phil, thank you so much for being here today.
Phil Applebaum
Absolutely. Very happy to be here. Stacie. Thanks for having me on.
Stacie Crawford
Excellent. So what transition Are you about to experience though?
Phil Applebaum
Well, on a mommy and a daddy love each other very much. My, my loving wife Anna is. Let’s see, I’m trying to think of the exact count. I think she’s 38 weeks pregnant. So we’re just on the verge of welcoming our first child, to the, to the world. So that’s that’s the big transition that’s sitting in front of me right now.
Stacie Crawford
This is huge. I first of all, I’m so excited for you guys. Because, you know, I’ve known you long enough that I watched the journey from of your relationship progress from being married to being married and bringing a puppy into the relationship. And now it’s a baby coming along. And 38 weeks like this is really any minute.
Phil Applebaum
Oh, yeah. Yeah, it can happen at any moment. Absolutely.
Stacie Crawford
So I know what it’s like to expect a child. But that’s from the mom point of view. So what the heck is going on in your head right now?
Phil Applebaum
Yeah, that’s a great question. Thank you for asking it. Because everyone, Everyone’s curious about how Anna is doing. And I’m curious about how she’s doing all the time to do my number one priority. But I appreciate it when people ask about the dad too, because we’re here. We matter, right? We’re not we’re not doing all the heavy lifting, for sure. But we’re here. And, you know, the the first thing, the most apparent thing for me is just watching what’s happening to my wife, and how she’s going through everything and how she’s dealing with all of it. And I tell her all the time, and I tell everyone around me too. And I asked how impressed I am with how she’s dealing with it. Because she’s working so so hard to, to the first thing that came to my head was fight back against the pregnancy and things are happening to her body that are just so uncomfortable. And it’s really getting her way all the time and all these different ways. And she’s working so hard to to combat all that. And, you know, I just want to be helpful, I want to I want to be able to support whoever I possibly can. And as you know, I bet that’s the relationship that we have to and you know, she knows the best ways that I can be helpful, and I try to be I try to do that as best I can. So that’s the first thing. The first thing is just watching what’s happening to my partner and feeling generally pretty helpless, but pouncing on any opportunity that I have to try to help you this is by getting a milkshake on the way home from work for buying one of those, like theragun massagers so I can do a better job giving her back but it’s all that kind of stuff. Right? Anything that I can
for me.
You know, it’s weird. My brother has two kids, young kids wants one one and one’s a little over four now. And he told me this thing that definitely rang true that there’s certain moments that it just really really hits me that I realize like oh my gosh, something’s about to happen here. Like everything’s about the change. The most recent one was when we got a pair of baby shoes gifted to us and I was like, Oh my God, these things are the thing that really threw me for a loop they’re not real shoes. They’re just because you didn’t walk in like this is this is this thing that I know really well these things that are shoes. This is not a shoe this is something totally different because it’s a totally different purpose. And then she’s moments that just hit me and the magnitude of it kind of becomes really really apparent. And it really catches me off guard. But in those moments, I get that feared if it comes in the like the oh my gosh definitely happens. But I have to say my Anna and I have worked really, really hard to, to get to this point in a way that we feel is constructive. In a really healthy relationship. We’ve done a lot of work with coaching and therapy. And we’re feeling really good about it. So whenever that fear kind of hits, I feel like I can kind of look at it and say, Yeah, you’re here. I know you’re here. But I can manage this, I can handle this. And we’ll see how that actually goes.
Stacie Crawford
Yeah. So again, I know, I know, my experience of, you know, bringing two children into the world. And I know that the fears that I had during that time, so what kind of fears are you experiencing?
Phil Applebaum
Yeah. This is something I’ve always wanted, sometimes more, more sometimes, and other times, for sure. And here we go. Right now I got to prove to myself that I can be the kick ass dad that I always thought I could be. So there’s, there’s some of that, and I don’t, I don’t really think it’s impostor syndrome, because I’m not, I’m not, I’m not lacking in confidence in the sense that, like, I, I have low self esteem around this. So I really, you know, someone’s gonna expose me as an imposter, I’m not really worried about that. It’s more just that, like, you know, I, you know, I look at it as, like, I’ve been training for this my whole life, because, you know, that’s all that like, every every major hurdle we come to, we’ve been training for our whole life one way or the other. So now it’s like, Alright, let’s see, if all the trainings been put to the test, you know, if I really can do this, so that’s, that’s definitely a big part of it. Another another piece of it for me is that I have a new responsibility to society, kind of, like, there’s a lot of people out there that do really bad stuff, and, and harm other people in totally tons of different ways. And now I’m responsible for someone else’s actions and how they carry themselves and the impact that they have on the world. And that’s new, because I’ve controlled my own impact on the world and those around me, but but this is this is different. And there’s some stuff that’s in my control with that there’s a lot of stuff that’s out of my control with that, too. But I think this is the gravity of that weighs on me. And yeah, I think some of the fear of public comes in there, too.
Stacie Crawford
I can totally relate to that. And I’m on the flip side of that, you know, my kids are 16 and 20. So I am at the point where it’s really about learning to let go of having any control, you know, there. I have always said, except during the pandemic, good lord, having toddlers would be the easiest thing because you’re completely in control of everything that they do, you know, like, you are just you have so much control. During the pandemic, I was sitting there saying, Good, Lord, I am so glad I don’t have toddlers, you know, it was a very different kind of situation. But you’re right, whenever we’re talking about raising, you know, we get these tiny little bundles that we have to turn in to find good productive people. And then we have to let them go out into the world. And you hope that you did it. All right.
Unknown Speaker
Exactly. Yeah.
Stacie Crawford
So you are just starting that journey, which is really, really exciting. So when you when you think about this little one being handed to you what kinds of feelings do you expect to have in that moment?
Phil Applebaum
Man I do not know.
It’s, it’s one of those things where i i almost hold back on trying to picture it or visualize it because I want it to feel like whatever it feels like in the moment, I want it to just hit me however it needs to hit me and react however I need to react. I think I’m gonna get the first thing that comes to me honestly, is I’m going to be really really proud of my wife. You know, whether it’s, you know, however he ends up coming out make me that’s it’s an ordeal for sure. So, I’m going to be really proud of her, which I know isn’t necessarily like, you know, have to do with him. But that’s, that’s the best person I know right now. And holding him I just I don’t even know it’s gonna blow me away. I I think I’m just gonna All of a sudden, I feel this, like, brand new purpose in my life that and it’s such a in such a way that I’ve never experienced before, you know, you think about the big moments in your life, you know, I got married, but but frankly, when I told my wife and I talked about this, the big day for me wasn’t the marriage, it was a proposal, it was the day that I committed and, you know, really said to the world, this is this is what I’m doing. And and what other moment is there in life where like, this kind of a big thing happens. And all of a sudden, everything changes immediately. And yeah, I’m just I’m, I’m so curious to see how that feels, and how that impacts me and changes sort of my perspective. I don’t know how it will. But I’m, I’m curious to see,
Stacie Crawford
yeah, you know, that that was always the thing for me. You know, when my children were born, you know, I had all this time to feel a literal physical connection to this person. And it almost felt like I kind of had some, I felt like I knew this person, even though I didn’t know this person, you know, I kind of felt like, I knew this person. And there was never a moment where I forgot that there was a person coming, you know, and I remember feeling like, This person was safe here. And being afraid of just like, okay, and now like, I’m responsible in a completely new way of keeping this person say, but for dads, it’s, it literally is that you’re handed a child. And it’s like, Here you go. There it is. And so it seems to me that it has to be such a almost shocking, kind of thing to be like, Yep, and here you go here. Here’s your child will Holy crap. Like, you adjust in different ways than women. Do. You know when I mean?
Phil Applebaum
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I think. I asked him at the day. It’s funny, you mentioned it to, you know, do you ever forget that you’re pregnant? And she’s like, No. Look at me, like you’re still beautiful. I don’t really forget, either. It’s always on my mind, and a good way to not not like paralyzing like, super fearful. But just like, I mean, this is this is I mean, especially now it’s right around the corner, right? Of course, it’s always on my mind. But, but nothing has really changed for me yet. And then everything changes all of a sudden, and, and for for Anna. Now, it is still very much an all of a sudden change. But she’s been going through changes for the last eight and a half months anyway. So I think there is a distinction there. Yeah. Yeah,
Stacie Crawford
absolutely. Now, I know that you mentioned your brother and that you have family. So do you guys have family close by that will be able to come in and help you out? Or are you guys like a little island out there? And you’re going to be doing it on your own?
Phil Applebaum
No, we have we have wonderful family on both sides that are very excited to support us. They’ve already supported us with tons of Hami downs, which is delightful, because man, baby clothes is way more expensive than it should be. So that was great. We’re all we’re all stocked up on that kind of stuff. And as parents are willing and able there. They’re about two and a half hours south drive from us so they can make the trip up. And my parents are a little over an hour to east of us too. And they are just phenomenal grandparents, all of them. We have six nieces and nephews seven on the way so they have plenty of practice. And they love it. This is only the third on my side. So my parents are over the moon to have another another grandbaby in the mix. But yeah, we’re very lucky and very blessed to have some really wonderful family support to help us out.
Stacie Crawford
That’s awesome. That’s awesome. Now I know that you know we we get a little bit of time to stay away from work whenever these little ones come. What about you guys? I know Anna works. So she’ll be taking I assume more time off than you would do you have time? Do you get to take time off? Like I don’t even know like what are what are dads allowed to do? Like, no hard.
Phil Applebaum
Yeah, it’s interesting. So I’m taking six weeks off. Mostly I want to maintain some of my my work time just because I have a lot of three direct reports and I don’t want to abandon them and I really love my job. I love the work that I do and I think it’s going to be good me to have this a little bit of a connection to work still just get given how I sort of gain satisfaction in life and whatnot. But when you’re working like six or seven hours a week, basically like two windows of time, like two, three hour chunks, where like I’m meeting with my staff, and then three hours of just like open office hours, if anyone wants to think needs to talk to me about what I know, work, whatever, I’ll be available thing that would be good for me too. But for I’ll be doing that for about six weeks. So basically, no work for six weeks. And then I’m going to do three days a week for a few weeks after that, and then go back full time. Anna is a therapist. So she’s, she’s contractor, and she’ll wind down right about now actually, she wants to have a last session with all of our clients. And then plans to pick up working again, probably around April, we have daycare, like 95% lined up to do that, so that we can both be working full time and have him in and daycare. She’s trying to rehearse schedule, so that we’ll be in daycare three days a week, and then home the other two days. And she’ll be working during those three days. So hopefully, she can have a pretty full schedule, also not be able to do full time daycare. That’s where That’s where we’re aiming for.
Stacie Crawford
Yeah, yeah. And, you know, this is the other aspect of, you know, you bring this child in and look at all the other changes that are occurring. You know, so how do you prepare for leaving work for this much time? How do you how do you get yourself ready for that? And do you have any, you know, are there any is there anything buzzing that’s like, Oh, I’m I’m a little concerned about how that’s gonna work out
Phil Applebaum
there is I just made a new hire. He started three or four weeks ago, and I told him when I made the offer, I was like, Listen, man, I’m really excited to have you aboard, I think you’d do a great job, I gotta tell you, I’m gonna be gone for about a month and a half a month into when he started, I was gonna be gone. And I’m gonna do my very best to, like, get you situated and comfortable. And like, knowing what you’re working on, and all that kind of stuff before I go, but that’s what’s gonna happen. And, you know, he’s, he’s fine with it, he got to make it work. He’s, you know, he’s not fresh out of college or anything. So we, you know, it was one of those being a professional is like, but I do feel I don’t, I don’t want to say guilty because during the wrong, I am responsible for his experience in this in our organization. And I want to make sure it goes well. So that that gives me some some concern. And he’s doing a great job, you know, I think it’ll be fine. But I feel I feel a little bad sort of leaving entirely. Right now. Luckily, I was able to time a lot of my projects to that they’re wrapped up. So that’s mostly good. But I do I do a lot of coaching within my organization as well. And I, I’ve tried really hard to make sure we can get towards some good goals with people that I am working with, so that they feel like they are in a good spot before I before I head out. And they kind of know what they need. They can be working on over the next over the winter when I’m gone. So I’m trying to wrap everything up. And I’m trying to not pick up new things. That’s really the hardest part. Aye. Aye. Aye. I’ve excelled in my company by throwing myself at problems and making them go away or making them better. And I need to not do that. Right? Because I’m gonna just make it worse if I start up something and then leave. So that’s been the probably the biggest thing that I’ve had to, to not do, I guess.
Stacie Crawford
Yeah, well, I know you, you enjoy. You enjoy tackling problems, you enjoy finding solutions. And I think you even enjoy being a little bit busy, like having a full workload that that feels good to you. So it I’m sure this has been quite a conscious effort to not get involved with the new stuff coming in. Yeah, that is amazing. So I know on top of all of this, you’ve got to get the house ready. Are you ready?
Phil Applebaum
Mostly, mostly ready. I love building furniture and not like actually building it, but like, screwing things together, right? And so I got the crib, the changing table, all that kind of stuff. You got all that built. And I’ve always had this sort of image in my mind of having kind of a mural on one of the walls. And luckily, we have a friend who was super excited to did you have of doing that. So that’s that’s like 80 90% done now, which I absolutely love it. It just makes it feel. And I was another one of those moments when I walked in and saw it and I was like, Oh my gosh, here we are. Like this is the thing that’s happening and that’s one of those moments too. So that’s all that’s all As ready as it can be, we just set up a second changing station on the on the main floor, just in case, you know, we need to move quickly, which is, I think a wonderful idea. And it had yak and thumbs up. Cool. Thumbs up. Good, good. Yeah, the house is mostly there. You know, and we were even talking about, like, how we want to make sure you don’t let his stuff take over other spaces, and we try to put it in and, you know, we’ll how can we make sure that all of his toys don’t get over here? So we still have our space and whatnot. And we’ll see how well we actually keep that up, of course. But yeah, the house is mostly there. And it’s, we have a small place. You know, it’s three bedrooms, but it’s 1200 square feet. There’s no no fat, really. And we’ll see how well, you know, it’ll work fine for one. But it’s going to feel like I’m pretty full house, for sure. So we’ll see how it goes.
Stacie Crawford
So I have to imagine, especially as you know, she’s 38 weeks, I have to imagine that probably over the past month or so, if not the whole thing, but especially over the past month or so, you have received a lot of advice, and words of wisdom, and maybe even some horror stories along the way, because people love to share their horror stories. And so have you been inundated with all of this information from well meaning people? And if so, how are you dealing with it? I see you shaking your head, I’m,
Phil Applebaum
like, be respectful. You know, I know why people do it. And especially if the interesting thing is I think it happens a lot with strangers. And it’s because most people have done this. And it’s a common ground. And it’s a way to connect and bond with each other. And I, I get that. But man, some of the things people say to you, you know, and I have to know not to take it personally. Because I’m not, you know, it’s not critiques when people say, you know, you’re, you’re gonna make sure you do that, or you’re not going to do this or keep them out and keep it. They’re not trying to correct my behavior, or they’re not calling me down by telling me things that I think I don’t know. But the question I get every single time, and it just makes me so annoyed. is are you ready? Because there’s two answers to that question. There’s Yes. And there’s no and they’re both bad answers, saying yes. Makes me look like an idiot because no one’s ready for this. Like, you know, the biggest change people go through so no one’s ready. And saying no, also makes you look like a navy because like, well, you’re not ready for this. This is the biggest it’s about to happen to you. So I am that that question really gets to me, and I need to probably not get through as much as it does. But I have gotten so much unsolicited advice. And the things that I will say I appreciate are when people say well, if you ever deal with this kind of issue, this book was really helpful for me to get through that thing. Like, okay, cool. They’re saying, if this happens to you, here’s a great resource. Love that. That’s great. People that say, you know, just trust your instincts. You know, you guys are rock solid together, you’ll figure it out together. Great, right? You know, I know I’m gonna make mistakes. I know I’m gonna mess up. But something someone told me, you know, at a dress rehearsal for a friend’s wedding four months ago is not going to stay in my mind when I have my newborn crying at 230 covered in just unspeakable horror. I’m not going to remember what they told me. So yeah, it’s, I’ve had, like, I’ve gone through waves I’ve got I’ve at first was like, trying to really listen and pay attention to then like just being angry and resentful to now just basically tuning a lot of it out, honestly. Because when I need the advice, I’m gonna get it. I’m gonna I’m gonna ask for it. I’m gonna seek it out. Because that’s what I that’s how I work. Yeah, that’s how I feel about the unsolicited advice. Receiving at nauseam.
Stacie Crawford
I agree with you 1,000,000% I and I remember thinking to myself, like many times, yeah, that’s how you do it. And it doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t do it that way. But like, I don’t know how I’m gonna do it, because I’m not in the situation yet. And it’s not just me that’s making decisions on how to deal with certain things, you know, because not just here’s the baby, you have to take care of it. But then you’re going to be parenting and like you said, teaching your values to your to your child. And, you know, I think that that goes back to your relationship with Anna. I mean, I know that you guys have worked really hard And I do know that you guys are really a solid, solid couple, because you both choose to be and you continue to work on it. I’m actually really curious thinking about the value stuff. Did you guys sit down and really talk about like, what we want to teach our children? And it? Did you do that before you are married? Did you do that before? You? You know, before you got pregnant? Are you doing it now? I’m really curious about that. Because I find that interesting. And I think that a lot of couples don’t do it. So what about you guys?
Phil Applebaum
Yeah, yeah, we definitely have. We always have, though, to, I mean, to our whole relationship. I mean, even some earlier conversations we had when we were just dating was really getting a sense of where each other were at philosophically, like what we believe to be true about ourselves about the world about what it means to be a good person, all that kind of stuff was always, I mean, that was part of our courtship almost I mean, it was, it was important for us to have those conversations to feel like we were really getting to know each other as part of our intimacy, honestly. So we definitely have worked on that a lot. One of one of the biggest decisions that we’ve grappled with, was actually whether or not we were going to circumcise them. And, you know, I come from a Jewish background, I don’t practice them, I don’t really consider myself Jewish anymore. But it is certainly a big part of my experience. And it’s something that I’ve always sort of just assumed I would always I would do, even if it wasn’t a religious ceremony, and just, you know, it’s what I know, it’s what my reality is. And, and Anna wasn’t, like, majorly opposed, but she kind of leaned to the other way on it, and wasn’t as excited about the idea of doing it. I’m not excited, actually. But you know, it was It wasn’t as keen on the idea, I’ll say, and it was really weird situation. And we have, we’ve talked about this a lot, because we try to figure it out a little bit, we got to a point where we went back and forth, and back and forth, weigh the pros and cons, you know, did our research really, really honestly came down to our understanding being that there isn’t necessarily a better or worse in this situation, it’s, you know, people can say that it’s mutilation. And other people can say that there is a health concern, but at the end of the day, like it, there really wasn’t anything for us, that really swayed us one way or the other. So we were both on slightly opposite sides of the spectrum on this really big decision that we had to make a decision on. And at the same time, we both knew it would be okay, whichever way it ended up going, like,
we knew that it would be fine.
And, and we just kept on like, trying to, like, how do we how do we break the tie here because like, you know, neither of us feel so strongly that we really need the other one to come to our side. And, and we don’t really feel like there’s going to be a major, major negative outcome if we make the quote unquote, wrong decision, and others might disagree with that. But that was a really that, that took a long time for us to get to and sort of to figure out. And when we finally did, we finally made our decision with all that, but like, it was it took us a while to figure out even how to get to a decision point on it. So that was one of the biggest things. But then yeah, other things too. And we can do again, too, if you want to just to know about like, you know, how do we want to raise him? What’s our approach gonna be all that kind of stuff? We’ve talked about that too, for sure.
Stacie Crawford
Yeah. And, and, you know, I think that that’s a really great example, too, because it is something that you have to make a decision that, you know, as soon as the baby’s here, they’re gonna say to you, Well, why don’t we and ya have to know and it’s not a game time decision. You know? I love I love hearing about your relationship with Anna, I always loved hearing about your relationship with Anna because I feel like there are so many things that you both did, very consciously in order to create a very strong relationship. And it’s so exciting to watch you continue it through this piece. And it kind of doesn’t surprise me that you both were like not really like diehard about which way to go. Now like, like, is it I don’t feel like this would be like a huge argument. It would just be like a how do we figure this out more than anything? You know?
What else you have going on in your brain about all of this? Are there things that stick out? Sure.
Phil Applebaum
The other thing going on in my brain I mean, like,
how gosh
there’s a lot of excitement to and we I guess I really talked about that part. Just like, I’m a person that loves his hobbies, and I collect hobbies, I pick up new things that feels like every year. And I’m so darn excited to have someone to share them with. And listen, I play, I have volleyball, I play chess, there’s video games, there’s board games, he’s got plenty to choose from, and I’m not gonna, I’m not going to strap them in to anything he doesn’t want to do. But I’m a I love teaching people things, I love learning things from others. So I’m just, I’m really, really excited to be the person that for the rest of my life, has some responsibility to help them navigate the world. And there’s something really cool about that, too. And I really rebel, that the opportunity to be that for someone else. And like I said, before, I’ve been training for this my whole life that feels like that’s part of it, too. And just just seeing the world in a different way. Because I’m gonna have such a different mindset about my own life and what’s what’s happening. Yeah, just how the roads are backing up, and how it’s affecting those around me. So that’s definitely in there also.
Yeah, that’s in there, too.
Stacie Crawford
I love that it’s, it’s gonna be so great to see, you know, what, what this personality of this little one is going to be like, you know, I always get a kick out of when, when it’s little one looks like one parent that has the personality of the other. And, you know, as they grow older, of course, you see that they’ve got it all. But there are those moments of like, oh, he really looks like Phil, or oh, he really looks like Anna. And then it changes as their faces change, and all of that. And then as their personalities grow, and they become their own person. It’s just incredible. And I can’t wait to see it. So I know that you can’t wait.
Phil Applebaum
We’ve been joking about it, too. Will we keep saying as well we know he’s gonna have bad skin needs glasses, need braces, but have a really big heart.
That’s what we know is gonna be
is gonna be true, just from from our own personal experience. And but yeah, there’s, yeah, it’s gonna be it’s gonna be wild, I, it’s just so incredible to know that the rest of my life is gonna be so, so different because of something that doesn’t really exist in the world quite yet. It’s a pretty, pretty amazing, amazing thing to think about.
Stacie Crawford
So I have one last question for you. You might need to think about this for a second. So you’ve gotten all of this advice. And pretty soon, you’re going to be tired. Because life has changed on a new schedule, all kinds of new things going on? What advice would you give yourself?
Phil Applebaum
Oh, what advice would I give myself? I think it would be to go easy on myself. Because
right now I can, I can say that I know I’m going to make mistakes. And I know that this is going to be a brand new challenge that I’ve never really faced before. And I also I’m putting a whole lot of weight on it. And i i this this has to go well, like it really it has to write. So I think that’s going to be the thing that I need to do. That’s the advice that I’d want to give myself just like Just go easy on yourself. It’s gonna be okay, you’re, you’re trying your hardest, you’re doing your best. And that’s all. That’s all you can ask for yourself. So I think that’s the advice that I
could give to myself.
Stacie Crawford
I think that’s great advice. I think that’s really great advice as a parent who’s in parenting for a while that is, it’s an important thing to remember, especially on those days when you feel like you’re winging it, and you don’t want them to find out that you’re winging it. So easy on yourself. I love that. I love that. Wow. This has been great talking with you. So I am really, really excited to get the news that this little one has joined us here and that everybody is settled in at home safely and comfortably. And we will check in with you in a couple of weeks to see how it was and what’s changed.
Phil Applebaum
That sounds great. I’m
looking forward to it.
Stacie Crawford
Thank you.
Phil Applebaum
Okay,